Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
