the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
