so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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