careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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