Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
