shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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