you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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