So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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