the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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