I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
