I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
