so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
