So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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