You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
