I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
