I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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