thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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