Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my poor anus
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
