The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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