isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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