maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
