My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
