I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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