Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When are your genitals available?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
