so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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