I accidentally had phone sex last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
