They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
