A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
