ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
