I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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