I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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