arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
