dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
