Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
