cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
