apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
