she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The best revenge is premature balding
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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