Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
