what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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