I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
