Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
