You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
