apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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