Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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