i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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