Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
