Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
