I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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