I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
