Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the night ended with taco bell and tears
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
