I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
