i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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