Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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