Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
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I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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