i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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