I wish I could punch you in the face.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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