Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
