4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
