fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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